from a mammoth to another

 Cause all of the stars are fading away, just try not to worry, you’ll see them some day… Take what you need, and be on your way and stop crying your heart out.

And then I raised the green bottle, always thinking of you. That was an unexpected song, I just wanted you close, close enough to write your book right there, aloud. I didn't care how or when, but all I wanted was to wrap you in my life for ever so you'd be forever mine (selfish like this)... and I didn't care how and how much of you would be mine. I avoid the anxiety and the curiosity and my will to ask those blue blue eyes to bring me back home... I stayed as long as I could, and tried insistently to keep you away from my mind.

Well, I think you know what I mean when I say I tried to give you up, but I was addicted... I didn't planned all of this... at least not the way it's happening... That night was my chance, my only chance to bring up some blankness in my mind. Of course I couldn't do it, you just kept haunting my steps, my actions, my thoughts... I wasn't so sure it would all end well. Just the idea of you walking away was really terrifying. We weren't ready for something like this. In the end, we'd be together, whatever that means.

Blue blue eyes drove me home, we went in silence. Both of us were facing some kind of sadness... I realized it was an anxiety I've never had before... It made me turn on my computer, type the wrong answer over and over again, my fingers tumbling on the keyboard, my head still exploding with all that noise my ears carefully stole from the party... I left my beautiful brand new red shoes right beside my lovely black-and-white ones, the same ones that kept me standing that day we both acted like teenagers discovering strobe lights and Mexican flags and green bottles. My memories kept running around like... well, horses... I don't know, I just thought of horses... I just wanted ANYTHING to keep you away, to keep my head out of thinking of you. Blue eyes, computer, Mexico, shoes, horses (or should I say ponies?) ... nothing was strong enough...

Nothing in my inbox. Nothing, nowhere. I waited. Anxiety was tearing me into pieces. I couldn't wait anymore. Went to bed. Spinning head. Sore muscles. Unquiet legs. Aching new tattoo. Don't go away. Stop crying your heart out. Supermassive black hole. Learn to fly. Everlong. All my life. My thoughts led me to you, ALWAYS. But finally I slept. My body was too tired to keep up with an unquiet mind.

Dreamed about blue eyes. Different from the ones that drove me home the night before... Who would it be?... Oh, no. Please, don't. Those eyes were the last thing I wanted to remember. Dreams reminded me about so many things that went wrong. I'm just tired of wrong, you know?

Oh, thank God someone's waking me up. Almost noon. Such a headache. Wait, I'm not anxious... Tea. OH, GOD, thank you, it's raining...

Suddenly the rain washed away my tiredness, my fears, my headache, my anxiety... I recovered my breath, my health and my sanity... All my senses were perfectly put together. Checked my email before going out to lunch. There it was. Most of my answers were hidden there. And I just let them there. Without reading. Without worrying. Went out, had lunch, prepared myself, went back home.

This song is about letting go of somebody you don't wanna let go of...

Something is about to give, I can feel it coming... I think I know what it is... I'm not afraid to die, I'm not afraid to live... (...)I want you to know that you don't need me anymore. I want you to know you don't need anyone or anything at all

Such an inappropriate song... Nobody was going to leave. And people just NEED each other.

Well I know that this is not goodbye.

And for some obvious reasons that part of the song just gave me strength to begin reading... And every single word I read helped me realize things that I've waited too much to accept. Wait. Who the hell is this person who just comes around and changes so many things in my life? My way of dealing with the universe, mostly. That someone just made me realize that it was about time to screw up the universe and get out of the comfort zone. Life's hard, you know? And that is no reason to give things up. That was no reason to give you up. And I begin to think why would I want things to be easy? There is no sense in wanting only the easiest things. Cause the hardest things are the things that really matter in the end. That's what you carry in life.

Things we fight for. They're the things we most care about. The things we keep in our hearts forever.
One thing you taught me well (among other important things): you taught me how to fight for something or someone I want for ever in my live.

And now I can say it was worth it.
That something is your friendship.
And that someone is you.


Thank you for everything. Even the smallest things and lost games.